Reflecting...
To be totally honest, 2019 was not a very smooth ride as far as my life was concerned. In all honesty, it was probably one of the hardest years of my life. That being said, there were so many things within the worst moments that were the absolute best!!! There were a lot of things this past year that did NOT turn out the way I was at all expecting them to. There are many things that I am still working through and learning how to heal and what true healing looks like in certain situations.
The main areas of my life this past year had to do with the church, school, family, and my friends.
Now I could go into detail about all of the drama that wiped me out but instead, I'm going to highlight God moments I found in my journal...
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2019 Resolutions...
- Continue to Grow in the Lord
- Lead confidently in my school's chapel setting
- Pray more
- Academically, give it my all
- Take the ACT at least twice
- Apply to colleges
- Get healthy...
- Improve musically
- Get a Job
- Don't stress because you are blessed
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As I'm flipping through this list, on the very next page is Hebrews 3:6, that describe Him.
"But Christ is faithful as the Son over God's house. And we are His house if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we have glory." (Hebrews 3:6)
He is Faithful!
"God is so good! He is leading me even today. He will not leave me. He is good. He is Faithful. He won't give me more than I can handle. He won't let me break. Lord, you are faithful and true. RELY ON HIM. I cannot do anything without Him. Jesus, fill my life and overthrow any disobedience. Thank you for your everlasting and never-changing love for me."
"He is my strength. You will be my light through my darkest night. You're with me as I go. I will not be afraid. I will be brave in you. Wherever I may go, wherever you will lead. I'll never walk alone, your spirit is with me. You're with me as I go. SO I will not be afraid. You call me to be brave in you. No height, no depth, no fear can shake me. Held firm by your hands that will never fail me. I won't lose strength for your strength is mine. You will be my light, through the darkest night. All of your love I stand.
Because of WHO you are, I know who I AM."
prayer excerpt inspired by: Brave (Skillet)
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Music is my language. I speak through song lyrics. Whether they are my own or someone else, I so often find my prayers flow from the lyrics found in songs. There were many songs that I made my anthem of prayer to Jesus this year. As I was walking through the constant feeling of overwhelmed and just burnt out, these songs were my prayer.
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Confidence that Jesus is holding me up and is Victorious
- Brave, Skillet
- The Victory is Yours, Bethel Music
- Breakthrough, Red Rocks Worship
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Surrender and Peace
- Yes I Will, Vertical Church
- Here Again, Elevation Worship
- Peace Be Still, I AM THEY
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Each one of these songs, I have written out on old notebook sheets of paper and they are taped to my wall around my mirror in my bedroom. In the center of them is a simple piece of artwork that I had made in response to a sermon I heard at Emmanuel Christian Center this summer. It is a dandelion that is losing its seeds to the wind and within the seeds, these words are written...
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Let go.
God's got it.
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This mindset completely changed my year around. I had been holding onto all of the hurt I had experienced in my Church, family, and friends and was reminded of the beautiful truth. God has it all. He has my whole life planned and orchestrated out. He is walking with me through every single breathe. He is in it all with me. I don't have to try and carry everything on my own because my savior carries me. He is waiting for me to let it all go and let him take it.
Since this sermon and realization, I have experienced hurt in other areas that I had clung to that felt secure. I was in turn hurt by my school and again my closest friends. The truth is, people are not perfect and they will fail you. There is no question about it. It's just a matter of how and when.
My boss also brought up this point, "Churches, schools, families and friend groups are made up of people. Every person is broken and will fail because of our sinful nature. That is why we need to cling to God to be our rock and foundation who will not fail us because He is complete in every way."
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This year was filled with many many memories with many treasured people. I am choosing to let go of all of the lows and the hurts that I experienced this year. I am choosing to lean into my heavenly father and surrender. I am choosing to trust in Him. I am choosing to be brave despite the crippling fear that has overtaken my life this fall. I am choosing to be thankful for God's hand in my life through the highs and lows. I am choosing to trust Him and be reminded that through all of the yuck, He still holds me in his hand. I can breathe freely knowing that He is good. His love is like no other. His love is perfect and knows no end. I've been told that he has a plan, I know that it is good and I have seen that He will never leave. His love sustains me.
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I have seen that He is good and I have hope in His plans that He fulfilled through 2019.
I have hope in the future He has for me, here's to 2020.
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"For I know that plans I have for you declares the Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11 -
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